I have come to realize if I am going to make it through this extremely difficult time I need to live for the day. I can't think about the future it appears too bleak and hurts too much. When I try and think about how my life will be the tears fall unchecked. Thoughts of my future always included Jack. We weren't going to be well off but we were going to be together. We dreamed about how some day it would be just him and I. We used to laugh about how someday we would be able to run around the house naked. As we got older the joke changed to, we could run around naked, it may not be pretty but we could do it if we wanted to.
Now when I think of my future it hurts because the reality is someday I will be alone. My children will have moved on with their own lives. Dad isn't getting any younger or healthier. I realize I am afraid to live alone. Not because of the boogie man, I can buy an alarm system, I have the dogs and a shot gun. What I fear is the loneliness and the solitude. I have friends and family but there is a loneliness that exists when you don't have that someone to share your life with. Someone who holds you when you have a bad day or are in pain. Someone who can make you laugh, who makes you feel beautiful and special. That someone you just can't wait to share your day with.
I took dad to the movies today and being the klutz that I am I spilled soda all over me. My first thought was Jack's going to love this one. Then it hit me like a punch to the gut. He isn't sitting at home waiting for me to come back. Some days I've pulled into the driveway seen his truck and thought, Jack's home. For that split second, I forget and when I remember the pain is unbearable. How many times have I been at work and waited for him to call. Some mornings when I forget I look at the clock and think he will be home any minute. Will those moments ever completely stop or will I always have the occasional lapse when I think he is still with me.
I know my future will be what I make of it. I know I am strong enough to be alone. I know someday I may be open to letting someone else in. "I know" is the logical part of me. The "fear of the future" is the emotional part of me. I still cry at the drop of a hat so my emotions continue to be very raw. I know it will get better with time. I will make my life what I want it to be not what I am afraid it will be.
I know Jack will always be in my heart and in my mind, I wouldn't want it any other
There is life after, it is up to you how your choice to live it.
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