I learned another lesson about loss last week. I thought I could escape the heart wrenching pain of my first wedding anniversary without Jack. Was I ever wrong.
You can never fully escape the pain no matter how distracted you try to be, the simplest things evoke memories that may at first make you smile then have you fighting back tears.
The morning of June 4th I actually let the tears flow freely. I thought if I could get it all out then it would be okay. It sounded like a good plan on how to deal, but you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men.
I dried my tears and headed out to face the day. Okay I got this I say to myself as I head out of the hotel and run right into a couple about my age walking toward me hand in hand. Wham, right to the heart. First came the smile, Jack and I always walked hand in hand. Then came the tears as I thought I miss the touch of his hand in mine. A few stray tears fall but I pull it back together. I can do this.
I get on the bus with my sister in law and look around, couples everywhere. Young couples starting out, couples my age laughing and talking, and older couples sitting side by side, their cuteness makes me smile. Wham! That will never be Jack and I. We used to laugh about being that old couple, shuffling along, holding hands to hold each other up. The sadness hits me but again, I tell myself I can do this.
The first part of the tour is over then we go to the boat for the cruise around Lake Meade. The captain announces as we board that a couple just got married on the boat. Again, I smile and I am truly happy for them. Wham, I think their life together is just beginning when mine with Jack has ended. More tears start to fall and it is getting harder to pull myself together but I do. I can do this!
The tour is over, we head back to the hotel to get something to eat. Oh Nathan's! I tell my sister in law about how Jack and I would forget to eat when we were in Vegas. I explained that it would be 1-2 AM and we would head down to Nathan's grab some philly cheese steaks and eat them in bed. Laughing about our day. So, I order a cheese steak, this one's for you Jack! My stomach ties itself up in knots and I lose my appetite. I tell myself I need to eat, I can do this.
It's off to the bar for one drink, we toast Jack as I fight back the tears. I hear a voice, you can do this. I don't know if it was my own voice in my head telling myself I can do this. But this voice was different somehow, it was familiar and comforting, someone was trying to help me. I want to believe that it was Jack supporting me as he always has and letting me know he is still with me.