Today I feel lonely. Though I am surrounded by people I have never felt so alone. I guess this is a bad day.
I should be happy as I start my vacation in Vegas tomorrow but I can't escape the reason why I am going to Vegas this particular week. I realize I am never going to be so busy that I can eliminate the pain that comes with my first wedding anniversary without Jack.
Who am I kidding to think that running away to Vegas would somehow make the fact that June 4, is supposed to be my 32nd wedding anniversary and My Love is not here to celebrate it with me. Do I really believe I will be able to make it through the day without breaking down?
Then I realized I shouldn't be trying to escape the day and the emotions that come with it. I need to mourn the loss of the love of my life. I should celebrate our marriage and thank God for giving me such a special man for almost 34 years. I should cry because of my loss then smile as I remember our lives together.
Vegas will still serve a purpose, it will allow me to mourn as I should but it will help me to tuck the pain back in to its place. I will be able to keep busy so I don't fall totally apart.
It is so easy to fold up within yourself and let the pain and sorrow take over. I know because I have struggled against those days. I push through for my kids, family and friends. I push through for Jack. If it is possible for him to be watching over me it would hurt him deeply to see me fall apart.
Most of all I push through for me. I can't let depression take control, I need to mourn, cry, scream, and maybe even break something. I need to tell myself that I will again one day have a life filled with joy, where my memories make me smile more than cry and I know that I will be alright.
We all are survivors, how we survive is in our own hands. Remember the love.
Some days I really believe I got this and then there are those days where I am hanging on by the proverbial thread. This weekend everything just seemed to be so overwhelming. What used to be done by two is now done by one. My son does what he can but he has commitments in his own life.