I wasn't prepared for how difficult this would all be. Jack did so much and knew how to do things I can't even fathom how to do. I was the helper but he was the brains and the brawn. We did all the housework together, the grocery shopping, upgrades and repairs. Now I am trying to do a lot of this alone. I get exhausted, frustrated, angry, scared and confused. I just don't know where to begin some days. My son does try but he doesn't know how to do all of this either.
I am overwhelmed by the things I can't do or can't figure out if they need to be done. Do I need to replace the back deck or can it be repaired and stained? Do I need to replace all the windows or can I just replace the sills that are rotting? What color of stain do I paint the shed to make it attractive for resale? Do I need to put new siding on the house? Do I fix the front stoop or do I break up the concrete and build a porch? Do I put in stone pavers in and get rid of the crush stone walk way? Do I need to put in granite counter tops? What else do I need to do inside the house to get it ready for resale? How do I know what is a reasonable estimate? How much money do I need to do all of this. At times I feel like I can't do this and just want to run away from everyone and everything. I know I can't, I have responsibilities.
I have to figure things out so it won't be so overwhelming. Take it one task at a time. I need to learn to ask for help. It is hard for me to accept help but I have no choice I can't do all of this alone. I need to stop the self-pity tears which are different then the loss of Jack tears. Self-pity tears have no healing properties they are harmful and drag you down. I will continue to cry for the love loss but I will not continue to cry because of my feelings of being overwhelmed or feeling sorry for myself.
I will figure this out, I will get it done and I will ask for help. I will continue to pray for the strength to get through each day and face what I must face. I have no choice, it is either face it all or give into the depression that lurking nearby just waiting for a chance to take over.
I haven't got this yet but I will. Depression and self-pity be dammed. Jack had more faith in me and was proud of how strong of a woman I was. He always depended on me to figure it out and figure it out I will