Jack has been gone 5 months today. Has it really been that long? My life has changed so much yet most of the time it seems the same. It is the little moments in my daily routine that sneak up and slam into my chest as a reminder he is gone. Today as I was driving to work, radio blasting, me spacing and the loss hit me. All of a sudden, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of loneliness. Out of nowhere this picture came into my mind. I was standing beside Jack, curled into him with his arm around me and my hand on his protruding belly. I used to love to rub his belly and jokingly make a wish. I am not sure what happened but my upper body twisted as if to make if to make room for him, I felt a warmth my Jack warmth. Though my hand stayed on the steering wheel in my mind it was resting on his stomach, his arm was around me and I was safe again, safe in his arms. Was it all in my mind, wishful thinking? Could it be possible that he was somehow there to offer me comfort on this difficult day? I don't know but I still feel as if I was just hugged.
I have this picture of us together and no matter which way I face that picture it is like he is looking right at me. I talk to that picture every night and as foolish as it may seem I give him a good night kiss. I crawl into bed and wrap myself in his favorite flannel shirt. Every night l waits for a sign that he is okay. Maybe I am looking for this big in your face type of sign. Maybe the signs are the little things, a feeling, a passing thought or an unexplained tingling on my skin. To survive I have to believe that even in death his beautiful heart and soul live on. That one day our spirits will be intertwined, that my split an apart will once again be there to make me whole. So, I am going to believe and I am going to stop looking for him to appear to me at the end of my bed. I am going to pay more attention to a thought, a feeling, a faint whisper and the slight tingle as if someone has touched me. I refuse to believe that I was given such a wonderful gift and then it is just gone. When my time comes Jack will be there, smiling, his arms wide open and his eyes shining with the love we share. Until then I go on, I find happiness when I can and I remember all that was good and wonderful with my love.